1 I like to wear loose, comfortable clothes.
2 I hate shopping for clothes.
3 I often unconsciously swing my leg when I’m sitting, which sometimes drove Adrian crazy.
4 I have bipolar disorder—a term that conjures up nightmarish images for many people, but I would not take the instant cure if there was one because it has brought me so much that is good along with the pain, including the pain.
5 I had warts on the bottom of one foot for years. After watching what the doctor did to my young daughter when she had a wart, I declined to ever get mine treated. One day a few years ago they simply disappeared.
6 I do everything fast, even things that should be done slowly. I don’t know how to slow down.
7 Work comes more easily to me than play. Actually, if it is play I can work at, then it’s fine. I can play a sport or a game or take a walk. What I can’t do is nothing. I cannot sit and just be.
That makes meditation difficult. I keep trying to work it and that doesn’t work.
8 (Remember, these are random, so you don’t have to worry about any grand significance.) I work too hard at everything.
9 I’m never going to get to 25 at this rate, and even though the instructions say it’s ok to stop at 15 or 10 or whatever, I want to get it right. I like to get things right.
10 I am very competitive, but I will try to cover that up by acting like I’m not or pretending I don’t care. Why on earth would anyone my age still try to compete, anyway?
11 I’m going to get a cat for mental health. That’s what I think sometimes, but do I want to be responsible for another life? After taking care of Adrian at the end of his life, I don’t think I’m ready yet.
12 I am in the middle of chaos, so I may appear one way today and another tomorrow.
13 I don’t like to clean my house, but I do like to live in a clean house. Another reason not to get the cat.
14 I don’t like to have long conversations on the phone with people who live in the same town. Let’s get together and talk in person.
15 I don’t like most winter hats because they don’t cover your ears.
16 I am still wearing my wedding ring. What do I think is going to happen if I take it off?
17. I’ve had too many losses in the last two years. It scares me. I think I’m next. Sometimes I think I should just give up now, like I’m asking for too much or don’t deserve the good health and long life I’m having.
But I breathe deeply and go on.
18 I never learned how to dance real dance steps like the waltz or tango or whatever dances other people were doing. I make up my own steps and that’s why I like to dance to rock and roll because it doesn’t matter.
I love getting out on the dance floor with my brother Bobby because he is wilder out there than I am and neither of us cares what other people are thinking.
One very brave thing I did last year was to go to a bar by myself where several people I knew were expected to be, and buy a glass of wine and sit at a table and then get up and dance. I danced alone. I danced with two other women. And I danced with a man—but they let me dance in their circle without touching—all of us doing our own dance together. These were not people I knew.
Then a couple of the guys I did know tried to dance with me, but they wanted to dance the traditional way and I told them I can’t do that.
Now when I think about that night, I am amazed. I could not do it now—go to a bar by myself—but in that first year after Adrian died, I made myself do many brave things in the name of carrying on with life. Getting out and living life.
What makes me brave one year and afraid the next?
19 This is an interim period in my life. Like all the others, I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, but here I am, on the path.
20 I’ve been cheating at the iPhone word games I play, by looking things up on Google or the dictionary app or Zarf (good for scrabble-like games). Some people consider this cheating and some don’t.
21 I’m having trouble coming up with the last 6 of the 25 random things and probably won’t make it.
22 I have a fabulous therapist who is just right for me.
23 At a certain point in my life, I was in love with my older brother Donny.
24 I wish all of my five brothers and sisters lived in my town.
25 I like my position in the family—fourth child, oldest girl, with three older brothers.
26 Were these really random?
Why 26? I told you I was competitive.