A Year of Making Art, Day 135: Anxiety + Irritability

September 1, 2007  Day 135

This morning at breakfast, after I pissed Adrian off, he said, "I won't talk to you about anything personal again."  Just as he doesn't really listen to me when I want to vent, I don't listen to him either.  We are both tense.

And thus, I started this morning's drawing with black and gray, staying with it, making patterns and then adding emphasis by texturing spaces with fine lines.  I may not know what I'm doing, but within a narrow context I can work to make a drawing better.

   Drawing #137  11" x 14"

I'm listening to Leonard Cohen these days.  When I can't listen to anything else, I can always listen to Leonard Cohen.

Tonight we are having neighbors over for dessert after dinner.  This is our compromise, a way to have a social life without a huge obligation, like a dinner-party.  But somehow, I am just as freaked out by it.  Once again, I am "waiting for the day to be over" so I can breathe freely again.  Will I ever get past this?

One idea I had was to have friends over every weekend until I get used to it, but at what cost?

It is pitiful how sorry I'm feeling for myself right now.

Later:  I made myself paint today just to get past the crappy feelings, and it helped a lot.  Here's the progress I made on these two conavases:

   Canvas #20  40" x 40"

   Canvas #22  40" x 40"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)