A Year of Making Art: Day 1

4/20/07 Day 1

Today I decided to make art and write about it every day for a year.  I recently started drawing again, so that will allow me to make art no matter where I am.  I won't need my painting studio.  All I am required to do is to make one drawing a day.  If I paint as well, great, but it is not required in this agreement.

I also decided I want this year to be honest.  That is, I want to paint and draw for myself, and I want to write the truth.  Neither of these is easy for me when I am trying to make a living selling my art.

What do galleries want?  I am having two shows this June and need to paint for them.  But I am paralyzed.  My art doesn't come out of some "end game" where the result is known before hand.  It has to come out of sincere exploration, not an attempt to paint what someone will want to buy.

I am also tremendously influenced by current sales.  When I go for a week without hearing from anyone who is interested in my art, I get depressed.  When I have a good week, I get exuberant and eager to paint.

I also have continual doubts, mixed with moments of exhilaration at my great talent.  Today I hate half the paintings in my studio.  I want to clear them out.

No one seems to want to buy the paintings I love best.  Rarely.  But then, I have different reasons for preferring one painting over another.  I know what a canvas cost me.  And I know when it led me to a new place.

I have many doubts, but I'm not supposed to write about them because that might turn collectors away.

I'm bipolar, so I am going to be up and down.

Kurt Vonnegut died recently, and maybe now is the time to live up to the statement in one of his books, which goes something like this:  "You are who you pretend to be, so be careful who you choose to pretend to be."

I'm sixty-five years old, so maybe now is the time to stop pretending.

I get lots of compliments about my "honesty" on my website and in my blogs, because I write about my messy past and being bipolar.  But what do I leave out?

Sometimes I'm not honest because I want people to like me.  I don't want to say anything they will disapprove of.  Rather, I want to fulfill their expectations.  At a certain point, I may not even know what I believe because I have brainwashed myself to fit into someone else's worldview.

Given all these caveats, I plan to be as honest as I can here.  I wil start with what I've been working on this week:  self-portraits.

I hadn't painted a portrait of any kind since my early twenties, and now I decided to try self-portraits again.  What a scary undertaking!  I haven't painted from life since . . . I can't remember when.  It's much harder than it looks and it takes practice to get good at it.  If you don't use it, you lose it.

Here are three of the self-portraits I did early in my life.  I even painted one with my mouth open screaming on my first husband's motorcycle helmet, before he was my husband.  "Mouth open screaming" was how I often felt about life then.

  Lynne Screaming  painted at age 17

  Lynne at USC  Tempera on Poster Board, 1961

  Self Portrait in Watercolor 1960s

Looking in a mirror now, which is what I have to do in order to make a self-portrait, is a very different experience from what it was at eighteen.  First, I can't see the details clearly  because I have cataracts.  That's another thing I shouldn't talk about, the cataracts.  Who wants to buy a painting from an artist with cataracts?

I don't think the cataracts affect my abstract painting and drawing, but when you are working from life, you need to see it in order to paint it.  Then there's the problem of my eye-glasses.  I never have my photo taken with them on, and I don't want to put them in my portraits.  So I have to guess some of that section around the eyes where the glasses interfere.

My attempts at realism fail, as you can see in these examples.  So I move into abstraction.  Not much better.  And I haven't gotten up the nerve yet to put in the wriinkles and jowls.

  First attempt, pen on paper

  Second attempt, pen on paper

  Third attempt, acrylic on canvas

  Fourth attempt, pen on paper

(Note:  There is a gap between the  dates I'm writing and posting  because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)   

Comments

[KJ]

These feelings and goals are very similar to my blog beginnings. "100 Objects" was the daily painting goal, but it morphed into a blog with the encouragement of blogger friends. Honesty was to be utmost as I my intent was to trace my past career while still producing. But I find there is much that is best left unsaid since I don't know if collectors or gallery directors might be reading. We certainly don't want to scare them away or give cause to question their choice. So I hold back a lot when releasing it would feel so good! Blogs are a strange creation. Good luck with your goals, it should make interesting reading... already is! KJ

[Lesly Finn]

I have always enjoyed your blog and writing but this post has warmed my heart!

You are very brave to write exactly how you are feeling and I love you for it. I can understand your doubts regarding galleries and prospective buyers reading it but why shouldn't they know about the whole person, warts and all?

And for me as an (aging, 62)would-be painter it is tremendously heartening to read that someone who I think of as 'successful', 'very talented', 'vibrant personality', 'confident', thinks exactly the same thoughts that I do!

I enjoyed seeing your self-portraits too ... also a very honest and open thing to do.

I do not know about bi-polar disorder but I have certainly had bouts of dire depression in the past (requiring medication), but I do laugh one helluva lot too!

So here is a big Thank You.

[Bronwyn]

I thought you'd only be in your 40s, you look younger than your age!

I like your third attempt, acrylic on canvas.

I came here for information regarding how artists create their abstract backgrounds, the processes they use, practical advice. Thank-you for being willing to share your how tos. :-)

[Martha Marshall]

Lynne, that is an amazing piece of writing and so brave of you. I think honesty is the most endearing quality there is. Maybe all artists should think more about honesty. Thank you for that reminder.

[cheryl]

so glad this is a featured blog - I wil be following your writings and adventures in art. Thank you for your courage!

[chriistina at chriistinasworld.typepad.com]

It is pure kismet that i arrived here today.
I am a "budding" artist and blogger. I actually havent started my blog yet as i am frozen in the very worst depression of my life. I am on meds which don't help this time and i do believe that i am bipolar as it runs in my family. I have been on med for years. Anyway! you are my new heroine...persevering and creating each and every day! Fabulous!
A glimmer of hope.....how wonderful...and your work is lovely.
Do write more...you are helping others with your honesty. Galleries mustn't judge artists..if that is what you are saying. That is unconstitutional!
And Old School.
We are who we are.
Thankyou for your Blog