The Zen of Caregiving

Same Caregiving, Different Attitude Changes All

I have been doing whatever is necessary to give Adrian the help he needs because of his dementia and physical disabilities. A while ago I overheard him tell a friend, "Lynne does everything a good wife would do."

But he also added, "I don't think caregiving is the work she wants to do."

Of course he thought that, because it was what I thought also.  While I did what was necessary, I did it as if I were bearing a huge burden. 

Recently Adrian and I talked about the changes in me since I've been reading Dr. Richard Carlson's book, Stop Thinking and Start Living. With my new attitude, I am a much happier caregiver.  Adrian has noticed it as well.

"I thought it was phony at first," he said, "but then after it persisted, I realized you were sincere." 

Not only am I sincere, I am more relaxed and peaceful about all the stressors in my life! 

Keeping the Body Alive when the Mind is Long Gone

In the early stages of Alzheimer's or dementia, most people say they want to be able to end their lives before they stop recognizing their loved ones.  And many would rather die sooner than have their spouse or child suffer the stress and exhaustion of caregiving for years and years.  But our laws and health-care system ignore these desires.

A recent article in the New York Times Magazine told one family's version of this tragedy.  In "My Father's Broken Heart" by Katy Butler, Butler's father rejects a pacemaker when he is rational enough to do so.  Two years' later, with dementia advancing, his wife had to make a quick decision, and was convinced by the cardiac surgeon to allow it.  

That pacemaker kept Butler's father alive, but the increased caregiving burden took years from her mother's life.  Reading this article, I was struck by the similarities in coping mechanisms used by Butler's mother and myself:  meditating and reading books on how to have more patience. 

I'm glad I've taken up meditation and love the books I'm reading on how to be more patient and live in the moment.  But I do not want to give up my last good years to caregiving the way Butler's mother did.