The Zen of Caregiving

The Stress of Traveling on a Caregiver

Adrian and I are in California visiting two of his sons and their families.  The reason I even have time to post this entry is that I am stuck in the hotel room with a urinary tract infection.  I am prone to getting these when under stress (or not drinking enough water), so I carry antibiotics with me and took one right away.  Tomorrow we are supposed to fly home, and I don't want to miss that!

As caregivers, we are responsible for two people when we travel together, and that increases our stress. To help with the organization, I use a checklist reminding me of everything we need to bring.  But each time we go to someone's house, or to an event, I have to make sure we have everything Adrian might need: two pair of glasses, container for hearing aids, extra batteries, suitable clothing, and so forth. 

To make things easier when traveling, it's most important to leave plenty of time, to be patient, and not worry about minor issues. But we have had a full schedule of social activities, and being the loner that I am, I missed the down time. Maybe my body was simply providing it for me today by getting sick.

Hard to Be Patient When You're Not At Your Best

The first sign that I was in a crabby mood today came when Adrian walked into my studio and started to talk to me about the painting I was working on. 

"Is this your most popular size painting?" he asked.

"Does it look like it?" I said.  "I paint square paintings.  This one is rectangular."

It went downhill from there, and he finally asked, "Are you upset with me?"

"No, I'm upset with myself.  But I need to be alone."

He left, and I felt bad that I'd acted so bitchy.

Next, when I tried to make BLTs at lunch, we were out of mayonnaise.  Then later, when I said I didn't want to go on a "slow walk" with him, Adrian said, "I feel totally rejected."

OK, so now I've made him feel as bad as I do.  That was helpful.  He went off by himself, and now I'm alone in the house. Am I happy about that?

I have to remind myself that a) I'm not a saint; b) I'm bipolar and prone to mood swings; and c) it's OK not to be perfect. 

As caregivers, we need to give ourselves a break.

Reading Pema Chodron: the Breathing Pause

This morning I went to meditation at the Foundation of Light, where we meditate, read, and talk about what we read.  I brought in a book by Pema Chodron, and we read about pausing before reacting:  just stopping and taking three breaths.  Aaah, like that.

We were sitting outside in the sunlight, mesmerized by this bright warm day in Ithaca in the middle of November!

Pausing before we self-destruct or react with irritation and anger--how I need to do this!  

I notice that I am programmed to react to anything new negatively.  On a walk today with Adrian, he suggested a different way to go.  "No," I said immediately.  "That doesn't lead anywhere."

Then I paused and said, "Let's try it."

What was the big deal about walking on a path that ended at a fence and having to turn around?  It was no less pleasant than going another way!  We were out for a walk. 

Pause. Breathe three breaths.

Soften, relax, and let go.

Memory Tests for Alzheimer's Scare the Caregiver

Today I took Adrian to see a new psychiatrist, and the doctor asked Adrian a few memory questions to check for Alzheimer's.  Whenever that happens, I always try to answer the questions silently, and get anxious when I have trouble.  I think, for example, that the one about drawing a clock showing the time of ten minutes to two is not that easy in these days of digital clocks and watches.  How often do we actually look at clocks to tell the time?  By the time my grand-kids take these tests, the clock question will be totally obsolete.

When the doctor heard that Adrian watches tennis, he asked who won the US Open this year.  Well, I watched those matches with Adrian, and I knew it was Federer who won the mens, but I couldn't think of his name!  As for the womens, I couldn't be sure if Serena did it or not.  Adrian said confidently, "I know it wasn't the Williams sisters." 

Now I have to go look it up because it's driving me crazy!

Well, I was wrong on both counts.  Del Potro won the mens, beating Federer.  And Clijsters won the womens.  

Even the questions about past presidents were a little scary.  I'm glad we didn't have to go back before Bush Senior. 

Whew! 

Losing Touch: A Sign of Alzheimer's

The other night I rented The Truman Show and watched it with Adrian.  About half-way through, we stopped for a break.  He said the movie frightened him.

"I feel like I'm gradually losing touch with everything," he said. 

The movie had a "happy" ending, when Truman left his make-believe world inside the studio for real life.  Unfortunately, the loss that Alzheimer's patients feel will not be restored.  The best that can happen is that good care and medication postpone the most devastating effects.  And at some point, when the disease has advanced far enough, the patient is not as cognizant (it is believed) that they are suffering the loss. 

I wanted to comfort Adrian, but I didn't know how to.

I listened.  And then he wanted to watch the rest of the movie, so we did.  Afterward, he said he felt better.