Stumble It!
For those suffering from Alzheimer’s or any kind of dementia, routine and regularity are important for stability. I learned this the hard way with my mother-in-law and my father. Rae had fairly advanced Alzheimer’s disease when her son, Adrian, and I got married. We thought it would be wonderful to all live together in a big house—Rae, her caregiver, Adrian, me, and our children from previous marriages.
As you can imagine, that turned out to be a fairly chaotic household and a real shock for Rae, who had been living quietly in her home with just her caregiver and the caregiver’s teenage daughter. Our efforts lasted a few months, until we realized it was never going to work for Rae. She was more agitated, confused, and aggressive than she’d ever been before. Fortunately, her previous home was still available, and we moved her back.
Years later, we moved my 93-year-old father from his home in Florida up to an assisted living facility near us in Ithaca, New York. His dementia was not as advanced as Rae’s, and he seemed “normal” in most ways, but he did have severe short-term memory loss.
We noticed the first signs of change in Dad on the airplane, as we left the south. He began talking more about Newark, New Jersey, where he had lived most of his life. By the time we got him from the airport to our house, ate dinner and played a little cards, Dad started to freak out. He said he wanted to go “home,” but home was his parents’ house in Newark. He thought his son was his brother, and asked to use the phone to call his mother because she would be worried about him.
Dad wasn’t the only one who freaked out. My brother and I were horrified that we had brought about this change in Dad by taking him away from his home of 27 years in Florida. We spent a terrible night trying to get him to settle down and sleep a little.
Fortunately, the next morning Dad was OK and knew who we all were again. Then we had to get him settled in at his new home, the nearby assisted living facility. He had a bad couple of nights there as well, but in a few days he was adjusted and enjoying his life again.
Sometimes you have no choice but to move a loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia, but if at all possible, routine and stability provide the best environment for them. I made sure to see my father three or four times a week, and talked to him more often on the phone. He knew who I was throughout this time of his life, because I was there on a regular basis. And the facility he was in was small enough so that he felt comfortable. He could walk to the dining room and rec room, walk the grounds, and feel safe.
