Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles

I'm Still Anxious & Bipolar

I'm still anxious and bipolar, but trying to write too many blogs at once became too stressful.  I'm now putting everything into my All About Art blog, which I am updating once a day.  I just started a new project:  A Year of Making Art.  Each day I make art and write about it, including all the other stuff going on in my life, like depression, hypomania, and anxiety. 

Hope you'll check in with me there.

Why You Should Never Say "Should"

How many times a day or night do you say, "I should have done x," or "He should have done y" or "We should do z"?  If you're like me, it's way too often.  At least, it used to be before I read a terrific book by Byron Katie and started to follow her suggestions.

Some of us blame others for everything that goes wrong.  Some of us blame ourselves.  Either way, it's a losing battle.  As Katie points out, we can't change the past, so we may as well learn to love it.  I haven't come that far, but at least I spend less time reliving it now.

And that word "should" is not only a waste of time concerning past events.  It also weighs us down when we use it to refer to the present or the future:  "I should exercise more." "Adrian should put things away when he's done using them."  "Owen should answer his phone when we call."

The "shoulds" are a waste of energy, especially if we think we're going to change other people.  But even if we want to change ourselves, the word "should" won't get us there.  In her book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie presents an exercise consisting of a series of questions to ask yourself about each issue you think "should" be different. 

The exercise works.  I don't always remember to use it, and often fall back into old patterns, but when something is really bugging me, it's the surest path to relief. 

Darkness Visible by William Styron

When I was depressed last week, I read William Styron's Darkness Visible:  A Memoir of Madness.  Now why would I read a book about severe depression when I was depressed?  Because I find it helps me to read about others' experiences and to know I'm not the only one suffering. 

One of the best reasons to read Styron's book is that he's such a great writer.  It's not easy to describe mental states, especially depression.  Styron does it artistically, but with a straightforward frankness and honesty. 

Styron's depression was complicated by the treatment he received.  His psychiatrist prescribed Halcion, and Styron felt this drug increased his desire to commit suicide.  After a close call, he was admitted to the hospital and there taken off the Halcion.  Soon after, his suicidal thoughts left. 

Of course, as Styron points out, the causes of depression are very complicated, so it's impossible to assign a straight path from incident to outcome.  Styron was in the hospital for almost seven weeks and credits that path with his salvation. 

"Not everyone might respond the way I did," he cautions; "depression, one must constantly insist, present so many variations and has so many subtle facets--depends, in short, so much on the individual's totality of causation and response--that one peson's panacea might be another's trap."

Styron's book is really an expanded essay of 84 pages.  It's a quick but compelling read.

Introduction

I am an artist who has been bipolar since I was a teenager, but I wasn't diagnosed until my forties.  Most of my life, I have dealth with the depression by changing jobs, places and relationships.  I've been fortunate in that I don't experience the intense mania that necessitates being hospitalized, but my lesser mania or "hypomania" has led me to do many dangerous and destructive things. 

In the year 2000 I had just moved to yet another new place, Ithaca, New York, when two people in my life seemed to need my assistance.  Saving people is another way I stimulate my hypomania, so I quickly volunteered to bring my 93 year old father and 92 year old ex-mother-in-law to an assisted living facility near me and become their primary caregiver.  Wow, did that job ever turn out to be more than I had signed up for! 

Before long, I was wallowing in self-pity and falling into deeper and longer-lasting depressions.  At this point, I had no choice but to seek help, and began a drug and therapy program to deal with my bipolar disorder.  Throughout the whole process of caregiving and dealing with my manic-depression, I kept a journal.  Writing always helped me to keep things in perspective, and it was a way to vent my anger, frustration, and despair.

Now that I have found some balance and relative peace in my life, I have turned that journal into a book, The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles.  I am still bipolar, but I deal with it more effectively than I used to, and attend support group meetings regularly.  My father and ex-mother-in-law have both died, so those duties have ended.  But my husband Adrian is fifteen years older than I am, so now I see myself gradually taking on more responsibility for him. 

Primarily, I am an artist and a writer, but I still care deeply about the issues of bipolar disorder and caregiving.  This space will provide an opportunity for me to share my thoughts and experience with you, and I hope you'll join the discussion through your comments.