Stumble It!
I feel hopeless, trapped, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Am I just going through a depression cycle in my bipolar disorder, or is something terribly wrong with my life?
I've been pretending for months, I believe, that everything was fine. Except that I couldn't seem to leave the house, I drank and ate too much, and I worked all the time. Basically, I hid in my painting studio during the day and watched videos at night, drinking wine and snacking on nuts and chocolate.
Recently I started going to a meditation group on Sundays in order to find a way out of this routine. We were reading Eckhart Tolle, and trying to focus on the "now," but when I was able to actually get in touch with my true feelings in the "now," I suddenly woke up to the reality of my self-deception.
A short while later, Adrian confirmed my suspicions by telling me he felt I was "rejecting him." Yeah, I am rejecting him because every moment of our lives together is painful. He can't do any of the things we used to do together: play tennis, cross-country ski, hike in the woods. His shoulders are shot, his balance is off, he can't see, he can't hear, and he can't finish a sentence because he forgets in the middle of it what he was trying to say.
We've been married for 27 years and he is a good man. I made a commitment to care for him no matter how hard it becomes. But he was my best friend and now I can't talk to my best friend about how hard this is. I hide it from him because I don't want to hurt him. But of course, I'm hurting him anyway. I can't really hide it.
Is there a way out of this?
