Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles

Nervous and Jumpy

I feel so nervous and jumpy. Tomorrow is 06/06/06, and Eloise, my Christian friend, has warned me that the beast is coming.

Last night I had the desire to escape from my life.  I’ve been in Ithaca for six years now, and even though we moved to a new house and neighborhood last summer, it still feels claustrophobic.  I need to get on the road, to get away, to make a fresh start in a place where no one knows my name.

Oh this is so ridiculous.  I want to slap myself aside the head.  I have everything I always wanted except fame, fortune and eternal youth. 

Sometimes I think I should just give it all up—painting, writing, striving.  That could be the door to a new life—a life of nothingness.  Maybe then I could find that zen moment, as it all blends into a dull monolithic stasis. 

I don’t think so.

The Capriciousness of Mood

For most of the past week, I just felt blah—everything tasteless, no point in doing anything, feeling like my life needed a complete overhaul in order to make any sense. Then on Friday around mid-morning, I noticed that I simply felt GOOD. My life made sense, my body felt alive, and work was interesting again.

When I felt lousy, I kept looking for reasons, and there seemed to be plenty.  I had the customer from hell who wanted a painting delivered at a pinpoint time of his choosing, which ended up in my giving him a refund because I couldn’t stand dealing with him any more.  At the last moment he came around and was ready to be cooperative, but that was WAY TOO LATE for me.

I also had someone write a really nasty, vindictive review of my book on Amazon.com.  And to think, I had provided this reviewer with a free book in order to get the review.  Is there no justice?

Bad news contributes to my depression, I’m sure, but good news doesn’t usually cure it.  It’s those bipolar chemicals messing with my brain.  Too bad I still think whatever state I’m in will last forever.  Today is an up day, though, so that must mean I’ll never be depressed again, right?