Who Are You?

Do you ever go through times when you feel you are losing a sense of who you are?  I had my worst experience with this when I was eighteen and a student at the University of Southern California living in a dormitory. I looked in the mirror one day and could not recognize myself.

Since then, this feeling has popped up occasionally when I am under a lot of stress or going through a difficult transition or relationship.  But today I noticed myself writing in my journal about having that feeling right now, when there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it.  My life as an artist and writer is pretty much on track.  I’m happily married and enjoying living near my daughter and her two children.  There are no big goals looming ahead of me other than the usual fantasy of “rich and famous,” which I don’t take seriously any more.

So what’s the scoop?  Sure, aging can take away some of our sense of ourselves.  When we look in the mirror, we no longer look eighteen, even though we might feel it on a good day.  As we age, we do lose pieces of ourselves—our hair or hair color, our strength and stamina, our sex appeal. 

But what I am feeling today is an inner sense of loss, not an outer one.  It’s as if I am going through the motions, living a life I’ve been programmed to live, instead of acting authentically.  I feel like I am living in a glass bowl and people looking in can tell I am a phony. 

Well this sounds crazy, and I’m beginning to scare myself.  Maybe it’s just that I ate too much last night and couldn’t fall asleep until almost 3 a.m.  Or is the reason I feel this way that we spent some time with neighbors this past weekend and I acted like a phony then?  When I’m with people I don’t know very well, I pretend to be who I think they think I am rather than WHO I AM.
   
That explains it.

Comments

[Jon]

I'd like to look in the mirror, or look inside myself, and see someone older than twenty-something. I'm 47 years old, but can't lose that image or feeling of someone half my age.

And I do lose myself at times, usually in a depressed phase.

[kevin]

I dont want to see someone half of my age and idont like to see in mirror Maybe it’s just that I hate too much last night and couldn’t fall asleep until almost 3 a.m. Or is the reason I feel this way that we spent some time with neighbors this past weekend and I acted like a phony then? When I’m with people I don’t know very well, I pretend to be who I think they think I am rather than WHO I AM.
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kevin

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